There are days that weigh heavy on your soul.
The alarm clock buzzes you awake like lightning bolts jolting your ears. And the rush of already late floods your soul before you’ve even begun. Your life has gone on without you again and you’re always running out of breath. Lagging behind, trying harder to keep up.
There are days when swinging your legs over the side of your bed and standing on two feet leave you feeling crooked, as though your whole day was born slanted and you’re slipping downhill a bit more, limping towards coffee and to do lists and the tiniest faded hope that today you will do it. Today you won’t carry the unbearable sadness that seeps into the murky rising light of morning.
Today you won’t ache with the unfulfilled things. The barren soul of the never enough.
There are days when the morning sounds taunt you because waking children’s pitter pattered feet stomp loud in your ears; there is no respite for the sad. There is no burden heavier on a mom’s heart than the joy of her children sounding hollow in her ears.
There are days when you cannot explain. You are not fine. And no, you have no reason for it when yesterday and days past you were happy and joyful and not one thing has changed but today you rise cloaked in despair. The whole world feels numb and foreign and you can’t seem to explain anything at all.
And you pray the morning will come again softer tomorrow. You pray a new day begins and you’ll feel sunshine on your face and the warmth sinking into tired bones and you’ll walk a little straighter that day. You’ll let your toes uncurl and find your footing.
You’ll hear the morning sounds and you won’t mourn the joy you’re missing. Because you’ll feel it too. You’ll push your hands right into it and get your fingers caught in your child’s hair and their shoelaces as you bend down to show them again how it’s done and the suds slipping off dinner dishes bobbing in the sink. You’ll get your hands right down into joy and pull it up and put it on and walk around in it for a bit.
And when you’re having those heavy soul days where nothing fits right and the measure of you is not enough, you’ll remember there are days of joy ahead. Days when the grey skies clear a bit and glory reigns down. Days when your tears have washed your eyes clean and you can see again.
The measure of you is only ever counted as whole. The measure of you is only ever enough. The measure of you is always beloved and beautiful.
The measure of you has been counted out and weighed and paid for because the sky went dark before and broke with glorious light.
It went dark when your measure was fulfilled. When you were counted whole and free. When you rise again and know you are only following the One who went into darkness first, so you could see broken daylight filtering through grey skies and know you are not alone.
You will rise in joy again, so you take those promises of enough and carry them with you on your soul heavy days while you cling to the rising light.
I needed this today…. It’s as if you were speaking straight to my heart. Thank you.
I’m glad Shannon. I needed it too. Today is a better day. Bit by bit and hanging on. Love you, friend. We need to get the boys together. Judah misses Trevor a ton. When is your spring break? Maybe we could steal him for a day or two?
Oh my Lord… once again, my friend – sheer beauty and grace! This is achingly beautiful and overflowing with grace! Love you, friend!
Thank you love. Your friendship is grace.
Alia, beautiful one – we’ve been walking in some similar places. This post lifted me this morning…your honest, hope-filled words fell in dry places that needed soaking. I love and appreciate you, friend, and cannot wait to see you!
Maybe that’s why your writing always resonates so deeply with me. Cannot wait!
You said it so beautifully, for the everyday mundane despair that finds beauty and enough in the simple acts of faithfulness. Life is a daily wrestling for meaning and purpose isn’t it? And remembering the truth.
Yes, it is. Such a wrestling. Some days that truth seems so elusive. Some days I need to hunt for it.
I needed this, in so many ways. Just thank you.
So glad it spoke to you today, friend. It’s nice to know we’re not alone when the days are hard.
Thank you Alia. It’s the despair that comes from nowhere that I hate. The tears that feel like they’ll never stop. And the silent cries for help that no-one but Jesus hears. Thanks
Yes, I think so too. That’s the worst kind. You can’t explain it, it just is. Thankful Jesus hears. Thanks for visiting, Karen.
Soul-heavy days. I pray you cling to that Light filtering in, and keep cracking it open for others. And – I hope we can schmooze in March at the Faith and Culture conference.
Yes so much schmmmmoooozing to do. Cannot wait!
beautiful post. thank you.
Thanks for visiting again, Charlie.
Oh, my friend. YES.
This: “The measure of you is only ever counted as whole. The measure of you is only ever enough. The measure of you is always beloved and beautiful.
The measure of you has been counted out and weighed and paid for because the sky went dark before and broke with glorious light.”
Absolutely stunning. Because our value is declared by the blood of Jesus. By the extravagance of the Gospel. YES. Really blessed by your heart here. And may you be up to your eyeballs in joy tomorrow. xo
YES! The extravagant Gospel trumps it all. Tomorrow was better. These days happen. Sometimes they’re weeks or months strung together. I’ve learned to cling hard to truth.
YOU are a gifted writer, my friend, and have a way of driving me straight into Father’s embrace! “The measure of you is only ever counted as whole. The measure of you is only ever enough. The measure of you is always beloved and beautiful.
Barbie, that is the best hope I could ever have for my writing. You in your Father’s arms. All of it, spoken to you and over you and through you. Truth.
It’s so good to be reminded of the “days of joy ahead” on the days we wake up “slanted”. And even better, that joyful or slanted, who I am remains “enough, beloved and beautiful.” Thanks, Alia.
Thanks Kim. You bless me. I’ll email you soon.
I’ve emailed this to myself. I’m not sure how to comment, because so very much of it resonates deeply with me. This line, in particular, is thudding around in my head – ” There is no burden heavier on a mom’s heart than the joy of her children sounding hollow in her ears.”
Thank you. Just… thank you.
You’re welcome. Just know, those heavy burdens? We don’t carry them alone. Sending love to you tonight.
Thank you for sharing your writing, which is just beautiful by the way. You so eloquently put into words some of the same thoughts/feelings/experiences that I’ve had, and it honestly makes me feel better knowing that someone out there really and truly “gets it.” What you wrote about mothers, especially, hit home, as it’s a big source of my guilt: There is no burden heavier on a mom’s heart than the joy of her children sounding hollow in her ears. I look at my sweet “babies” and think, “How dare you (me) feel depressed when you’ve been blessed with those two!” Of course, that usually makes me feel worse again, so it’s a pretty much a continuous cycle.
Anyway, I’m so glad to have found your posts and am off to read more. You have such a gift for encouragement and writing and have been a HUGE blessing!
Oh yes, that is so hard. I do know but wish I didn’t. But I’m so glad you’re encouraged. I often think the guilt over the depression makes the burden so much heavier than it need be. You are not alone and I’m so glad you found your way here.