There are 39 million survivors of child sexual abuse in America today. I am one of them.
To say that in my heart I want to build towers and fortresses around my children wouldn’t be far off. But I know that no human contraption of fear or caution can bolster them in a world where evil exists. Where they will grow out of my watch, out of my home, out of my reach. That I will not always be able to see. That in the few moments I am in the next room something can change the direction of a life.
And I don’t say this to scare you even though the thought has terrified me. I say this because there are things you can do.
We are not growing up in the same era I did. I don’t remember having talks about anything related to strangers or touching or anything of the sort until I was back in the states going to Elementary school. Of course, why would they talk to me about those things?
I was only 5. Much too young to have to face that kind of situation. I didn’t go to daycare. I wasn’t around strangers. We had a tight community. I wasn’t left alone or unattended for long, if ever. But it happened.
I look at my four-year old and I would not be able to imagine a world where this kind of conversation would be necessary had I not been that same age. Forget everything you think about the stranger or the weird guy in the neighborhood that doesn’t talk to anyone. It probably isn’t him.
Although we live in a much more savvy world of information and Amber alerts and awareness, many parents still believe it could never happen to their family. Statistics would say otherwise.
You can’t control everyone that will enter your child’s life, but you can help your kids navigate a terrible situation more effectively should they ever be in one.
What you should know: Don’t just assume you will know if your child is being abused.
The statistics state that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested before the age of 18. The vast majority of these children never report the abuse in childhood but carry that *weight into adulthood.
- 70-80% of sexual abuse survivors report excessive drug and alcohol use.
- One study showed that among male survivors, 50% have suicidal thoughts and more than 20% attempt suicide.
- Young girls who are sexually abused are more likely to develop eating disorders as adolescents.
- More than 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape or attempted rape. The average age of the offenders is 27 years old.
- Approximately 40% of sex offenders report sexual abuse as children.
- Both males and females who have been sexually abused are more likely to engage in prostitution.
- Approximately 70% of sexual offenders of children have between 1 and 9 victims; 20-25% have 10 to 40 victims.
- Serial child molesters may have as many as 400 victims in their lifetimes.
While that all seems very bleak, we have a God of redemption who makes beautiful the broken things in our lives and weeps mercy into our wounds. No one is past the point where God can heal.
But as parents, we don’t just want to know what to do when it seems too late.
We want to wage a battle for their innocence and one of the main ways to do that is to educate them. Many parents don’t want to talk about such ugly things as abuse. We think there is an age appropriate time to talk about these things. Maybe when they start school, or maybe when they hit puberty.
Don’t wait. Educating yourself and your children can save them from a situation of abuse.
This is so hard to read….it literally makes me sick. It does scare the daylights out of me and makes me wanna hide my children in a bubble, I know that is not the answer…but still. I really want to hear your suggestions, it is hard to wait till tomorrow, I feel like Ineed to take action now.
My father found me sexually attractive. There wasn’t full-blown sexual involvement, but there was very inappropriate touching and behaviors, and more than anything, fear of what might happen next through all my teen years until I left home. Bruised, damaged, confused.
When I had daughters it took me years and a lot of suspicious observation of my husband around our daughters to develop trust. I learned eventually, that REAL dads don’t find their teen daughters sexually alluring. They find them dear, beloved and precious…and funny, and smart and beautiful. But they don’t find them sexual objects. Which is why I write “father” in quotes…He was a ‘quote’ “father” unquote…Not a REAL father. Thankfully, my husband knew my “father,” and was protective of me and our girls on the rare occasions we had social interaction.
Eventually, due to my ‘father’s” unwillingness to even acknowledge the hurt he caused, my husband, with my blessing, cut off all contact with him; my husband making clear that we could resume the relationship when my dad owned the multiplicities of physical, mental/emotional and sexual abuse he heaped not only on me, but on my mother,other women in our lives including my sisters-in-law, and horrible physical and mental abuse he inflicted on my 3 brothers.
It’s been 16 years since my ‘father’ chose to communicate with me. He never has owned his behavior, hence, never reconciled with us,to date. He’s old now. He had been my idol as a child, the one who told me about God, preached to thousands, was spiritual mentor to hundreds. Pretty confusing to put the abuse and the spiritual leader in the same box. Eventually, impossible…That took a lot of therapy, reading, introspection, study, and opening up with safe people. And through it all, feeling ‘weird’ and different than others, inadequate, unworthy, and yes, the weight issues, Alia.
Beginning to feel loved and worthy is wonderful step isn’t it? You are blessing many people by opening your heart, Alia. It will provide healing to you and others.
I’m loving you, too; even more through this part of your story, Alia. I know Jesus is walking beside you on this path, his arm around you, seeing what you see, knowing the deepest parts of you and absolutely ‘getting it’. He’s finding you winsome and lovely and of surpassing beauty and worth.
I agree that there are steps we can take with our girls. One is to protect, another is to let them observe us–and their dads— taking this issue seriously. My daughters took any information about a woman or girl’s abuse so seriously, they told us. Immediately. They knew we would make something happen or advise them on actions to take. As adult women, they generally know what to do now. They have hearts for abused girls and women, and thanks be to God, neither of them have been abused nor have they been attracted to abusive men. That, in itself, is a wonderful thing.
And it’s a true miracle, Alia, don’t you think, that you and I married men who love us well? Abused women often marry an abuser. My mother did that. God’s grace alone saved me from making that mistake. I wasn’t ‘healthy’ enough at age 20 to make a good decision, so he put a healthy, loving man who respected women in general, and me in particular in my path…I am so blessed.
Kimberley
(Sorry this is so long but this is a heavy subject)
So encouraged by your words and so very heartbroken for all the confusion and pain you lived through with a ‘father’ who obviously had a very perverse idea about what is acceptable and appropriate with his own daughter. That is not on you at all, but oh, the burdens you must’ve carried because of it.
You’ve got a good man to make that distinction and set boundaries before things got even more toxic. Josh has been such a faithful, steady source of love and grace with me over the years and has helped so much in my healing although I am still in progress so very much.
I know my mom feels a lot of guilt over what happened in my childhood but looking back, she did all she knew. No one thought that way then. I’d say she’s just as or more protective of my children than me.
I love that you shared this part of you with me, and I love the kind of mother you are to your girls, their advocate and friend. That they always know you are a safe place.
So glad God has put you in my and my mother’s life. We get a kick out of you! 😉
Alia,
Can I just say that I am so grateful for you. For your bravery and your willingness to talk about sexual abuse. I think that God is going to use this series mightily friend – He’s already used your story to help in my healing.
I’m so glad Tonya, and I hope so. I wasn’t sure how this series would go but I really just wanted to put it out there. I’m hoping people are listening.
Alia, I’m so thankful that you are addressing this. I’ve been wondering what your advice would be on this exact topic for a while now and I’m so glad to read your words. Thank you so much for sharing it all with us.
Thanks Janice, your email was actually one of the catalysts for digging back and thinking about things that could help educate and prevent this from continuing. After yours, I got several others asking the same thing. Moms and dads wanting to be sure they did every possible thing for prevention. I’m glad this helps. I would love a world where this didn’t happen.