I used to gather my strength at the year’s end for a running start into the new one. I’d limp through Christmas, the demands and social gatherings jabbing tender places. I’m no stranger to the ache and weariness the holiday season can bring. The twinge in your gut, that hollow space when everyone else seemed to be Christmas-ing better. Houses decked out with twinkling white lights arranged and tidy, fresh garland draping a stocking adorned fireplace, and each smiling child with flour …
Suffering
When I Am Still Unfine
My breath comes in short bursts of white smoke. My heaving chest is an engine blowing exhaust into the frost. I lean over the porch hyperventilating, watching my tears hit the snow beneath my feet making tiny indentations, pinhole hollows searing the purity of a fresh snowfall. I feel a hand on my shoulder and my son pushes a cloth towards me to wipe my nose and eyes and the vomit from my lips. I squeeze my eyes shut tight causing tears to spill harder down my cheeks and puncture the pristine …
When You Feel Hunted by Anxiety
Light breaks in through the window and draws a slanted square on the floor. I dip my bare toes in it and stand facing our back porch. The pines swoon under the blush of evening as the sky blossoms in lavender and pink. I don’t know how long I stand there but my toes are soon planted in darkness again. And this is when the thundering begins, the trampling like hooves against my ribcage, extinguishing my breath. One moment I am taking in the beauty of the blazing sunset, the next I am a stampede …
