Light breaks in through the window and draws a slanted square on the floor. I dip my bare toes in it and stand facing our back porch. The pines swoon under the blush of evening as the sky blossoms in lavender and pink. I don’t know how long I stand there but my toes are soon planted in darkness again.
And this is when the thundering begins, the trampling like hooves against my ribcage, extinguishing my breath. One moment I am taking in the beauty of the blazing sunset, the next I am a stampede of fear, thoughts flooding my mind to match the racing thud of my heart. I am gulping for air, eyes squeezed shut as tears crash down my cheeks. I am stained with anxiety’s mark. It seems to lie in wait. It nips at my heels as I walk with God. It seeps into seasons of good and blots the light from my eyes, the praise from my lips, the quickening of my heart to hear His voice.
The first time I had a panic attack my heart took off in a riot of thuds and the roar of my pulse burst into my ears.
I was sure I was dying. I was sure I was mad. I was sure I was broken. I thought my heart might betray me and burst from my chest toppling my soul…
I know it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged and I’m going to be taking a break until the new year except for the occasional post I’ve already written. I’ll explain more in my newsletter which I hope to have out sometime next week. If you aren’t already subscribed, you can do that right here. It’s about once a month and it’s my favorite place to share.
For today, would you join me at (in)courage for the rest of this post?