I’ve known loneliness. I’ve known earphones hidden under hair swooping like a veil, before earbuds or even cd players, snaking down into my walkman. A mixed tape memory of flannel and baby doll dresses, grunge that was more about my sloppy thoughts than my thrift store chic style. My black doc martens scuffed along the toes as I waded through life.
You can turn up the volume to turn down the noise but your soul won’t ever go silent because loneliness screeches loud and pulsing like a kick drum, smearing your moments with emptiness, black and meaningless as your kohl rimmed lids, inked up like an omen to ward off evil spirits.
I’ve lived lonely, a broken girl who didn’t belong.
But I’ve known belonging. When memories of mean girls and notes passed on a chorus of giggles washing you over with stabbing glares and gossip cutting at your back fades, and the talk of gathering leaves you with anticipation instead of a frozen wash of fear. The panic that I will not belong.
Because riding on the crest of my thirties, I’ve found a place to grow into my skin.
A place to let my words fall and be gathered when my broken bits show.
A place to be seen without makeup in bad lighting and still feel beautiful.
A place to bring my weary heart and frail faith and know the bolster of women who tell you when you matter over and over until you believe it.
A place to remember not to take things so seriously, especially yourself.
A place to laugh and use hashtags with careless abandon.
I’ve known loneliness but I’ve shed that in each offering here. I never thought God would use a blog to shake the dust off memories and to rewrite my story, a mixed tape community that makes the kick drum stop and the chorus sing melodic in my wounds.
I’ve known loneliness but I’ve also known sisterhood. The chant of warrior women going to battle on their knees when one of their own is wounded. I’ve known love.
This post is for all of you who have loved me so well since this blog began and who have my back continually, even when my broken bits show. I love you all.
So you know the deal, right?
Go to Lisa Jo’s. Write for 5 minutes on the prompt for this week: Rest
Don’t overthink, don’t stress, don’t edit. Just write free and tell your story.
Comment on the post ahead of yours
Spread the awesome.
Repeat again next week.