I’ve been battling health issues and exhaustion feels like a constant sidekick nagging at my slumped shoulders and sagging eyelids.
I spent a month refreshed and couldn’t wait to share about it with you. But then at the tail end of it, my health came careening like a top set to spin in the mad and frantic world and I derailed, toppling back into loss and pain and the kind of weary that crawls up a spine and sinks it’s teeth into your marrow flooding your whole body with the pulse and beat of hollow bones.
This flesh I live in is so breakable.
I am a student of tempered dreams and realistic expectations, reminding me how tethered I am to brokenness and frailty. This body holds me to that.
But I’m not long for this world and this body reminds me of that too. Someday I’ll find my true home. My flesh made full and right and perfect. Without the pain of this world singing in the synapses and nerves. I am becoming fully made. We are born dying each day, but I am learning to give my life up, surrendering it before it is asked of me. Offering it even when it’s pitiful and small.
I am tired today.
On these days, more than any others I am carried by a body when my own fails and betrays me.
I see what it means to ask. To want. To receive. I feel what it means to exist in brokenness and be made whole even as I lay in my bed with a bag of frozen bag of peas pressed into my cheek. I’ve swallowed down my pills that make the world’s edges a bit fuzzy and the pain dulls to an ache and I see the offering of whispered prayers sent forward.
I am learning to receive and give thanks. I open emails from friends who are thinking and praying for me and my life which has always been so small, seems to expand a bit to absorb the overlap between souls. I ask for prayer and receive it, pushing off the shame of needing it once again and instead being thankful for the voices readily lifted on my behalf.
My body’s lack shows me my need to belong to a body who fills in the gaps. A body that cares for and belongs to each other. A body that breaks when I break and rejoices when I rejoice and feels need and provides.
I am learning the love of the church, the sisters who sit with me in weakness, who offer the tiniest encouragement not knowing it means the world to me. God sent your voice too. I am grateful for them all. Oh how I need a body to belong to, one to fill in my lack. And God sent you.
You know the deal. It’s been a long time since I’ve done a #FMF but I am in bed, with my laptop and I was itching to write but to be completely honest, I’m on a ton of pain meds, and I’m so tired I could cry, and if I move my head too fast I feel nauseous, so I didn’t have the oomph to get ideas out and onto the screen. But I can do anything for 5 minutes, right? No pressure, just free writing with my friends. Five minutes, one prompt. This week was break. Be sure to check out the other links over at Kate’s.