Day #14 I’m not writing, I’m watching Parenthood and eating gelato and ignoring the internet
Day #17, 18, 19, 20 Still on a break. Ignoring the internet pretending the month isn’t almost over.
I’m not known for my spectacular planning skills. I’m good at other things like not planning things, but that’s a different open letter.
So it was a minor miracle that I was able to get posts prewritten for this series. I started months ago tinkering away a little at a time while the kids were distracted by sunshine and all manner of summery things. I made good use of the time when I wasn’t bogged down by homeschooling and wobbly moods and dwindling daylight hours.
I accumulated a good head start should life get in the way. If I’ve learned anything blogging for the past couple years, it’s that life has a way of interrupting a writer. It is both the stuff of inspiration without which we’d have nothing to write, and the biggest obstacle to getting words out.
It will always be a balance between a life well lived away from the internet and one where words written down and invested here feel like a gift and a calling.
So I was feeling quite proud of myself. And then I went to upload them into WordPress and found the files vanished from my computer. Poof. Gone just like that. I searched in vain for hours. I googled how to find lost files in Scrivener, I went through file after file in Dropbox.
And then I did what any writer would do after all that hard work was lost, I posted a status update on Facebook and had myself a good long ugly cry.
It was epic. My thirteen year old son patted me awkwardly as I ranted about dreams and how I had no time for myself and I couldn’t possibly start over.
And then he prayed. And my mom prayed. They prayed I’d find them. But I had already looked, and they were nowhere. So I cried some more. Because I’m mature and full of faith like that.
And as I was crying and feeling sorry for myself I came to the realization that I have been upset with God. He keeps telling me to wait. He keeps telling me to Dwell. To abide in Him. And I don’t want to anymore.
I want the payoff for obedience.
I’ll admit that I want the book deal. I want to travel and speak and do the things that make me come alive. I’m tired of saying no to good things. I want afternoons in the sunshine scribbling my thoughts in solitude not dinner planning and grocery shopping with kids in tow. I want an open laptop and a coffee shop not phonics lessons and crayons and Algebra equations.
I am upset that most of my days require wild obedience to things in the here and now. As much as I love my children, it’s a sacrifice to commit to the ordinary rhythms of life. No matter how much I want my yes to be about the big things, God keeps putting small in front of me.
And then I remember I asked God for this. I wrote it down. “God let me be satisfied in you, enough that I would choose small if that meant faithful. Let me choose small if that means obedient. Let the most important thing be my willing surrender. Let me always remember that feeling your presence and knowing You is the blessing of obedience. “
God is faithful to work his mercy into our mess. God do I need reminding. Often.
So my days fill with small things, a life interrupted. Maybe I’m learning He is enough.
And when I scanned Facebook and all the comments and prayers and offers to cry with me, because writers get the ache of lost words, I knew, my small is worth something.
It’s worth it to my kids who get to see God’s faithfulness, often through the humbling of their mother.
It’s worth it to my community who loves me well.
It matters to my God who made me a little on the dramatic-feely side of things but loves me just the same.
It matters in my home where no one sees and in my online world where I eek out words in scavenged moments even if I can’t always balance them well and there are seasons where I feel my weakness everywhere.
And only then did I find the files.
So there was more crying. God is good and sometimes He uses prodigal files to remind me of my own wandering ways.
All of that to say, there will be #31 days of Open Letters starting tomorrow. All the things I think about all the things and maybe some feels too just because. I hope you tag along. If you want to make sure you don’t miss any be sure to subscribe by RSS or email and have them delivered straight to you. It’s free and easy and I’ll love you forever.